Happy Vallentine’s Day! Or, Happy “Valloween” for all you spooky fiends out there. For this day of love, I thought I’d change it up a little bit. No My Bloody Valentine, no Valentine — I’m going straight vampire lesbian 70s madness with Vampyros Lesbos.
A German-Spanish erotic thriller, Vampyros Lesbos is the story of Dracula but taking place in psychedelic 70s Turkey. Linda Westinghouse, an American legal firm associate, is pulled from her boyfriend by the entrancing and exotic Countess Nadine Carody. Linda had been seeing the Countess in her dreams, always in very sexual encounters; after meeting her in real life, Linda must kill vampiric Nadine before becoming a vampire herself — or go insane in the process.
I had always passed up this movie but decided to watch it for Valloween this year. Knowing nothing about it (and I mean nothing, besides it being rated 18+), I was surprised to guess it was a Dracula-inspired tale all along. The first half is very reminiscent of vampire stories: a woman is seduced, meets a vampire, and tries to escape. The second half was a kidnapping mystery with the viewer not knowing who they can really trust. Linda is constantly pulled between the seductive Countess and her worried boyfriend. Dr. Seward has his own plans and own problems.
Being an older, erotic movie, I was pleasantly surprised to like as much as I did. Vampyros Lesbos does take place in Turkey which I have been to before, so I already had a nostalgic feeling about the movie. The soundtrack is psychedelic and lively. The colors are rich and makeup/hair/costuming is beautiful. There is a Spring/Summer vibe to it, and the whole thing felt like a vacation. Really, you could have taken out all of the sex scenes and it would still be very watchable.
Not that Vampyros Lesbos is unwatchable without them at all. Like many vampire movies, there is a certain, sexy appeal that is abundant here. Everyone is beautiful, and it’s unsurprising that there is an attraction between characters. But still being a vampire movie, it didn’t skimp out on blood sucking and murder (though a little less violent than you might expect). The blood-sucking scenes are soft and sultry, and the murder is laughably 70s — I’m talking “wrapping your hands around a throat and throttling someone for 5-seconds” kind of murder. But hey, at least they show some deaths, right?
Which brings me to a common complaint; scrolling through the various information sites like IMDB and Wikipedia, I’ve found that many people thought Vampyros Lesbos was quite boring. I can see how, being that blood is generally scarce and characters are wooden and death scenes are lackluster and the whole plotline is a thinly-veiled strip tease. But taking it for what it is — 70s vampire smut — it’s enjoyable. Like the characters, you can bask in the Turkish sunlight and lazily follow Linda to the Countess’ secluded island for a little bloodsucking romp. In that way, it feels very TCM: watching an older film at 3pm Sunday afternoon. We were never in action-packed Blockbuster country to begin with.
For an lesbian-laden vampire film, Vampyros Lesbos had plenty of story to prop up the sex. Dracula is namedropped, for one. Then we get the backstory of how the Countess became a vampire herself. Dr. Seward even pulls a fast one and changes up the story slightly, which I didn’t see coming. Vampyros Lesbos brings vampires out into the sunlight, letting the characters’ demonic sexuality course through the veins of everyone they encounter.
Is Vampyros Lesbos a clear gimmick to get people to watch the movie? Yes. Do I care? Nah. The nudity and sex scenes are decidedly softcore and not distracting — let’s be real, it’s been 50 years and there’s way more hardcore stuff in movies today. The vampirism is the main attraction here. My one and only complaint is that the subtitles need to be cleaned up a bit.
Vampyros Lesbos is currently streaming on Screambox. Happy Valloween!
